In this spoof of World War II, René Artois runs a café in German-occupied France. He always seems to have his hands full: He's having affairs with most of his waitresses, he's keeping his wife happy, he's trying to please the German soldiers who frequent his café, and he's running a major underground operation for the Resistance.
Christmas Special - The Gateau from the Chateau
The airmen's escape is thwarted by Nazi gunfire, and the air balloon crashes into Madame Fanny's bedroom. General Von Klinkerhoffen takes command of Nouvion and orders Colonel Von Strohm to woo Edith in order to infiltrate the Résistance. The Colonel soon relegates the duty to Captain Hans Geering. Herr Flick plots the death of the General by poisoned dart, with Helga assigned to do the fatal deed. The Colonel and the Captain plan to poison the General's wine with a lethal pill, whilst Michelle has Edith make a Black Forest Gateau packed with dynamite
Christmas Special - A Bun in the Oven
Two years have passed. The airmen have finally escaped to England and Captain Bertorelli and his Italian troops have gone home. René thinks life is now relatively peaceful. Then Yvette announces that she's pregnant. Colonel Von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber get Helga to steal the painting of the 'Fallen Madonna' from Herr Flick. She cuts off one of the boobies and keeps it, to make sure that she'll get her 'cut' when the painting is sold.
The Best of 'Allo 'Allo!
René and Edith are in the Alps celebrating Edith's birthday. As they drink champagne and eat cake they start to reminisce about the WWII days, and we are shown several clips with highlights from the entire series. Some of the clips include: Michelle's many "I shall say this only once" plans, René's shooting, the flying nun, Crabtree's bad french, Gruber's advances towards René, René's affairs with the girls, Fanny and Leclerc in the foldup-bed, Leclerc's disguises etc.
The Return of 'Allo 'Allo!
A one-off special. René is writing his memoirs and needs help to fill in the "big gaps". Features some of the original cast reprising their roles; inter-worked with a documentary about the show's history.
The British Are Coming
Rene Artois, owner of the Cafe Rene in the French village of Nouvion, is 'persuaded' by the Resistance to hide two escaping British airmen. Rene is more interested in having affairs with his two waitresses without his wife finding out. The Germans, who are occupying the village, are busy looting anything valuable.
The Fallen Madonna
The Colonel & the Captain mull over their situation and decide they should probably hand over René and the painting to the Gestapo in order to get rid of Herr Flick. But René convinces them that they could hand over a forged copy of the painting instead (with the assistance of a conveniently-located forger), and gets them to lend their uniforms to the escaping British officers so the Brits can take the painting to England to be forged. Meanwhile, everyone keeps handing René poison pills "to make it easier", Herr Flick decides his relationship with Helga should include an intimate dinner in Rene's back room, and Hans figures out that putting cheese in one's ears improves the sound of Madame Edith's singing.
After the Colonel´s and the Captain´s uniforms are borrowed by the British airmen, and later burned, they will have to send for replacement uniforms. Supplied by Michelle are carrier pigeons, which madame Edith accidentally cooks and serves to Herr Otto Flick.
Saville Row to the Rescue
The Colonel & the Captain and Herr Flick are all disguised as onion sellers while the German uniforms are being remade by the Jewish tailors of London. Michelle delivers a bottle of nitro-glycerin disguised as a bottle of Bols Gin to hide in the Cafe until they come to fetch it that night to blow up a German railway.
Hans mistakes the nitro for gin and accidentally blows up the railway himself! The Germans capture René, Yvette, and the peasant-disguised Colonel and Captain. As Helga, LeClerc, and Edith each attempt to help the gang escape, General Von Klinkerhoffen arrives in town and demands that the only known saboteur be shot. This means - René's death by firing squad, with Lieutenant Gruber in charge of the squad!
René tries to go back to his normal life after his fake execution, posing as his twin brother, also named René, but the funeral arrangements are difficult when there is no body, Monsieur LeClerc is cheaper than the regular priest and the coffin is filled with anti-tank bombs.
Red Nick's Colonel
The communist résistance wants to make a martyr out of the dead René, and kidnaps the Colonel and the Captain at the Captain's birthday party. To make matters worse, they offer them on a platter to René´s twin brother René, so that he can shoot them.
The Dance of the Hitler Youth
The Colonel's birthday party becomes a perfect opportunity for getting the real painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies back from Herr Flick of the Gestapo, and substituting it with the forgery that was made earlier. The plan is to not invite Herr Flick but make sure that he hears about the big Binge - a traditional feast with genuine Bavarian dances featuring girls dressed as the Hitler Youth - so that he will have to come. In the meantime, René and Edith are supposed to walk into the office of Herr Flick and substitute the real with the fake. Of course, they fail - which means that Herr Flick now both has the fake and the original plus a second forgery, which he commissioned on his own in order to have money for his marriage with Helga after the war...
Six Big Boobies
After the British airmen are gone for good - or so René thinks - there is still the problem of Herr Flick owning all three copies of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies (one original and two fakes), and while Herr Flick kidnaps Lieutenant Gruber (a former art house worker), the Colonel and the Captain start to plan their next move. All the while, René's widow Edith have found René´s will, and being the sole beneficiary, goes on a spending spree with René's money to attract better suitors. And the British airmen return - as nuns. They are last seen hidden in the piano.
The Wooing of Widow Artois
René is caught in a dilemma when he must choose between the women he loves: his waitresses Yvette and Marie, and his wife Edith, who as his widow has all his money. Unfortunately he cannot bring himself to woo Edith again, so Edith seeks the attention that she can get, from other suitors in town.
The Policeman Cometh
We pick up the action mere moments after the close of the previous episode, as the airmen-filled cow narrowly escape being milked by a German patrol while awaiting the landing of the plane. As they watch disappointedly, the plane does not land, instead jettisoning two parachutes, one of which yields a new escape package. The other yields Officer Crabtree, sent from "British Ontelligence Headquitters" - disguised a policeman, he is supposed to blend in. Unfortunately, his French is abominable, getting the vowels wrong as often as not... Meanwhile, the plan to blow up the non-painting-filled knockwurst on its way to Hitler has hit a snag - Rene can't find anyone to blow up the train.
Swiftly and with Style
After failing to destroying the train which will take the copy of the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies to Hitler, René and the Captain are captured by the Résistance, only to be rescued by Herr Flick. The Colonel and the Captain are afraid that Hitler will understand that the painting is a copy, and prepare to escape to Switzerland. In the meantime, British agent in disguise, officer Crabtree has a new escape plan for the British airmen.
René tries to hide from the seconds of Monsieur Alphonse, the undertaker, but in his stead Lieutenant Gruber accepts the duel. However, the Colonel and the Captain want to save René and plans an exercise to "accidentally" kill Monsieur Alphonse. The plan is thwarted by Herr Flick, who has discovered that the sausage that was sent to Berlin containing the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies did not contain any painting - either real or fake. Herr Flick correctly assumes that the Colonel and the Captain stole the painting, and arrests them and cancels the exercise. Now René has to fight the duel on his own, while Yvette and Maria grieve on the sidelines and his wife Edith catches up on the gossip of the week.
Herr Flick's Revenge
After René ran away from the duel with Monsieur Alphonse, he hides. He´s rescued by Michelle from the Résistance who smuggles him back into the café dressed as a member of the Résistance, while she explains to Monsieur Alphonse that René is the bravest man in France. But Herr Flick has captured the Colonel and the Captain, and brings in René as well, and torture them unless they reveal where the painting of "The Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies" is hidden. They are rescued by General von Klinkerhoffen. With life back to normal, there´s only a matter of getting the British airmen out. As the General imposes a curfew, Michelle's plan is a funeral for Madame Fanny.
The Nicked Knockwurst
After the Colonel makes René promise not to hang out with the Résistance anymore, Herr Flick´s sausage (containing the forgery of the Fallen Madonna) is kidnapped by the Communist Résistance. The Colonel and the Captain are anxious that it doesn´t come out that they have switched the paintings, and order René to come up with the ransom, which Edith gets from Monsieur Alphonse. The ransom is to be left by René and his staff, dressed as German soldiers. But the whole thing is watched by German soldiers dressed as French policemen, the Gestapo dressed as French Résistance girls, and the Colonel and the Captain dressed as trees. And of course, Lieutenant Gruber stumbles upon the meeting, and his dog can´t help but chase the sausage.
Gruber Does Some Mincing
The sausage containing the painting of the Fallen Madonna, which was taken by Lieutenant Gruber´s dog, is minced by the Lieutenant - but fortunally he discovers it first and saves it. At the same time, the missing knockwurst means that Monsieur Alphonse cannot get back the money which he leant to pay the ransom of the kidnapped sausage. The résistance pays him back with Monsieur LeClerc´s badly forged money. But after everything seems to getting back to normal, the sausage is sent to Lieutenant Gruber to make another copy. Also, Michelle´s latest plan to get the airmen back is by an old plane with the motor from general von Klinkerhoffen´s lawn-mower.
The Sausage in the Wardrobe
After Maria is sent to Lieutenant Gruber with the sausage containing the real painting of the Fallen Madonna for copying, she is caught by General von Klinckerhofen, who places the sausage in his wardrobe and helds Maria hostage until his lawn-mover engine is returned by the Résistance. Herr Flick, the Colonel and the Captain, and René hears about this and decides to go to the chateau through the secret passages and steal the sausage from under the General's nose, using Helga, Yvette and Lieutenant Gruber as erotical bait.
Flight of Fancy
With René again in the possession of the sausage containing the painting of the Fallen Madonna, the attention turns to getting the two British airmen out of France. Michelle proposes a steam engine tour through Nouvion. Michelle´s newest hairbrained scheme of getting the airmen out will of course need 80 meters of suspenders, and it's René's job to get them from every Frenchman in Nouvion. Herr Flick and Helga arrive in his staff car to spy on the show.
Pretty Maids All in a Row
After the plot to get the two British airmen out failed, a frustrated René returns to the painting of the Fallen Madonna. He hides it behind an ugly painting in his café which is immediately recognized by General von Klinkerhoffen as a Van Gogh and requisitioned for his office in the chateau. He also requistions the two new maids in Café René - or as they are better known: the two British airmen in disguise. Realizing that the two airmen will be recognized right away, Michelle of the Résistance comes up with another hairbrained scheme of digging a tunnel from Monsieur Alphonse's morgue into the prisoner of war camp and smuggling in the two airmen into the camp.
The Great Un-Escape
While the Captain is sitting in the café, Herr Flick from the Gestapo is listening when René is talking to London on the wireless. He soon cracks the code surrounding the message with the plan to dig a tunnel from the mortuary to hide the British airmen. But it's soon apparent that the two airmen and Monsieur Alphonse need help with the digging, and the café staff are called in, leaving Madame Fanny and LeClerc in the café. But the Colonel and the Captain follow René, discover the tunnel, and are captured in the prisoner of war camp.
Prisoners of War
Having been trapped in the POW camp, Rene is enlisted in the plan to re-dig the tunnel, by getting rid of the dirt. Hans and the Colonel are playing cricket, though not very well, and Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen are digging their own tunnel into the camp. Monsieur Alphonse arrives at the Cafe to report to Fanny the news that Rene has been captured, but Rene and Company join in on the British prisoners' plan to escape - though only one person can escape in this way. Meanwhile, Helga reports the situation to Gruber, and together they decide on a plan to rescue the Colonel, the Captain, and Rene, involving Gruber dressing as a nun.
Dressed as girls from the Foliés Bergeres, the entire gang (the staff and the Germans) escape from the prisoner of war camp, and completely against plans bring the two British airmen with them. Outside again, the Colonel finds that the Captain is missing, only his glasses are found. Herr Flick and von Smallhousen intercept a message from London and try to send their own message, but René catches on and tosses the radio out the window, which leaves the résistance without a means to contact London, until Michelle thinks of the radio in Lieutenant Gruber´s little tank.
Good Staff are Hard to Find
Since Maria´s disappearence, the café needs another waitress, but René and Edith has somewhat different ideas about who should fill the positition, but finally Michelle from the Résistance brings tiny Mimi from another cell, to be René´s bodyguard. In the meantime, General von Klinkerhoffen gives the Colonel a new assistant, Italian liaison Bertorelli.
The Flying Nun
The Gestapo suspects that the Colonel and the General are in on a plot to assassinate Hitler, so Herr Flick goes undercover as Private Irma Von Kinkenrotten and plants a somewhat bizarre daffodil-shaped microphone in the Colonel's office, where Gruber and Von Strohm are making plans to get rid of Bertorelli in some way. Meanwhile, as Edith prepares for her wedding, Rene & Co. must get the aerial for their new radio above the jamming signal of Herr Flick, so they disguise Mimi as a small nun to obtain a box kite which they fly to contact London and request plastic explosive to blow up the safe in the General's chateau to get the British Invasion plans.
The Sausages in the Trousers
There are still no batteries for the wireless radio underneath the bed of René's mother in law, so Michelle's newest harebrained scheme is to have René and Yvette powering the radio with the generator from a bicycle until the stolen batteries from a German midget submarine are delivered. The Lieutenant has finished copying the paintings (The Fallen Madonna... and the Van Gogh), and delivers them as sausages. Sausages also come from Captain Bertorelli (real ones), Monsieur LeClerc (submarine batteries), and Officer Crabtree (explosives), and soon they're all mixed up in the German officers pants.
The Jet-Propelled Mother-In-Law
The Germans arrest René, and the Colonel demands an explanation for the knockwursts with explosives in them. After a small lie, René is sent home with around a dozen knockwursts to hang in his kitchen. The British have sent a spy camera with which the Résistance should be able to photograph the plans for the German invasion of Great Britain, but the camera landed in the vineyard of Monsieur Alphonse´s, and since the Germans commendeered the vineyard, the Résistance cannot go and look for the camera. This problem is solved when the General orders every peasant in Nouvion to work on the vineyard, which also leaves room for some assassination attempts on the General´s life.
Desperate Doings in the Dungeon
Herr Flick is still held in the dungeons, and if he cracks he can divulge that the painting of the Fallen Madonna have been copied. That´s why he must be rescued by Helga, von Smallhousen, and René - dressed as Himmler. The Colonel and the Lieutenant are ordered by the General to let Herr Flick die in a rescue attempt by the Résistance, but seeing the danger of getting caught in a crossfire, they dress up as Gestapo officers to rescue Herr Flick, only to find René chained up instead.
The Camera in the Potato
Starting off in women´s underwear in the dungeons of the General´s castle, René is rescued by Lieutenant Gruber, and comes back just in time to be briefed by Michelle from the Résistance about the camera which will be used to photograph the safe in the château. That night, Helga and the General is supposed to dine at Café René, but Helga is ordered away by Herr Flick, and the General has to endure Edith´s "seduction" before he can get away. René can get into the château, but he doesn´t know that the safe is in Lieutenant Gruber´s room.
The show opens during the air raid which ended last episode - Rene is running back to the Cafe, and Von Klinkerhoffen, Von Strohm, and Bertorelli are all hiding under their desks. Herr Flick continues interrogating Helga about the plot to blow up Hitler. Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen disguise themselves as the musicians to discover whether Von Klinkerhoffen is truly blowing up Hitler. Michelle devises a plan for Rene and Leclerc to break into Gruber's room during a smoke bomb diversion disguised as firemen and blow the safe. But Edith and Yvette pick the wrong chimney down which to throw the smoke bomb, instead hitting Von Klinkerhoffen's chimney.
Return of the Paintings
The plan to photograph the plans for the German invasion of Great Britain goes bad when Edith puts the smoke bomb in the wrong chimney of the château, and René and LeClerc are forced to blow up the safe in another kind of chaos than they had originally planned. During the escape, René and LeClerc are captured by the Communist Résistance. Helga is ordered by the Colonel to be Lieutenant Gruber´s best friend, but during their not-so-romantic tête-à-tête, Edith and the servant girls steal the Lieutenant´s little tank to try and rescue René.
Denise, the head of the Communist Résistance, who was René´s sweetheart in his childhood in Nancy, and who´s now determined to marry René. Meanwhile, Edith and the servant girls have to explain to the Lieutenant why his little tank has crashed into the public toilet, and ends up getting Gruber´s compassion. René has a difficult time telling Edith that he will marry Denise, since Monsieur Alphonse has asked for Edith´s hand, and Yvette has it in her heart to tell Edith that René will marry her instead.
A Marriage of Inconvenience
René's wedding to Denise is due shortly and he is not too happy about it. Edith has hatched a plan, which requires Michelle and her girls to kidnap Denise. Then, Edith can take her place at the altar and marry René. Edith arranges a romantic dinner for her and René at the café. The next morning, Michelle informs Edith that she has kidnapped Denise and put her in a mine shaft. René is getting ready as Gruber arrives to question him. René assures Gruber and Von Strohm that the paintings are safe.
No Hiding Place
Denise Laroque escapes from the mineshaft and leads her Communist Resistance fighters in an attack on the Cafe René. The staff pretend that René is dead so that he can go into hiding disguised as his own father. Colonel Von Strohm orders Helga to find René and protect him, since he's the only person who knows where the original paintings are hidden. The Communist Resistance recapture René. Denise decides that he wasn't responsible for the wedding fiasco. She announces her intention to kill Edith, Yvette and Mimi instead.
The Long-Distance Duck
René, having been dumped out of the Communist truck, reports to the girls that Denise has vowed to kill them all, so Edith starts hiding in various disguises. Helga reports to Von Strohm that the paintings are in the Communist HQ, so they make plans to attack the Communists and recover the art, using Bertorelli and his just-arrived Italian troops. Von Klinkerhoffen comes to report that the German Generals will be arriving for a conference to plan the British invasion, and René is told by Michelle that he will end up doing the catering for the conference and that he must photograph the plans and send them by duck.
The Generals' Conference
It's the day of the Generals' conference. The long distance duck is let loose and Captain Bertorelli shoots it. A French General stops off at the Cafe on his way to the chateau and gets paralysed by Mimi. Officer Crabtree takes his place. At the conference, the Generals eat some 'mints' which are actually 'foam at the mouth' pills. In the ensuing confusion, René manages to photograph a map of the planned invasion.
Michelle's Secret Love
The long distance duck is recovered. It was only stunned when Captain Bertorelli shot it. The photograph René took of the invasion map was useless. He decides to leave the Résistance. Michelle tries to dissuade him by telling him she's madly in love with him. Lieutenant Gruber is ordered to arrest René for the attempted poisoning of the Generals. Rene disguises himself as the French General in an attempt to escape the threatened firing squad. Monsieur Le Clerc makes him a false nose using plastic explosive by mistake. The nose is accidentally ignited. Rene throws it out of the window and it blows up Herr Flick.
The British Invasion
The Germans now suspect the French General of trying to poison the German Generals, so Rene is reprieved. Herr Flick is in traction after being blown up when Rene's false nose exploded. General Von Klinkerhoffen plans to continue the Generals' Conference with local peasants disguised as German Generals at the chateau and the real Generals disguised as peasants in the Cafe Rene. He thinks that the Resistance will blow up the peasants, thinking that they're the real Generals. Michelle arrives at the cafe to say that a group of British airmen, disguised as onion sellers, will arrive shortly. The German Generals also arrive dressed as onion sellers. There's an air raid and, in the confusion, the wrong group of onion sellers is sent off to England.
Parade of Prams
Luckily for René, the German Generals end up in Berlin rather than England. Colonel Von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber tell René that he must recover the paintings from the Communist Resistance headquarters. René disguises himself as a Franciscan vicar and sets off with Mimi in the pram, disguised as a baby. Meanwhile, Helga is also heading for the headquarters disguised as a nurse, pushing Herr Flick, disguised as a baby, in another pram. The Italians storm the headquarters and are captured by the Communist Résistance. René manages to recover the paintings but is caught by Denise Laroque and her Communist Résistance.
The Bank Job
René, Mimi, Monsieur Le Clerc, Lieutenant Gruber, Colonel Von Strohm and the Italian soldiers are being held prisoner by the Communist Résistance. René and Le Clerc are released so that they can go and collect a million Franc ransom for the release of the Germans and Italians. General Von Klinkerhoffen won't pay the ransom, so René and company decide to rob the local bank. They end up trapped in the strongroom and have to blow their way out.
The Reluctant Millionaires
It's revealed that the money which René and his staff stole from the bank is forged and belongs to the Gestapo. Mimi and the Germans have managed to escape. Denise and Louise of the Communist Résistance are on the run. They end up hiding in the Café René.
Forged Francs & Fishsellers
Herr Flick's uncle, Heinrich Himmler, orders him to recover the forged money which René and company stole from the bank. Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen disguise themselves as fishmongers to see if anyone is trying to spend forged money. Michelle has spent some of the money on a trip to the hairdressers and Monsieur Alphonse has been given it in his change. Monsieur Alphonse is arrested when he spends some of the forged banknotes. The long distance duck is sent off on its journey to England.
The Exploding Bedpan
Monsieur Alphonse is being interrogated by the Gestapo about the forged money. Colonel Von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber are afraid that they'll be implicated in the theft of the money, so they plan to have Monsieur Alphonse poisoned before he talks. He has a heart attack and is sent to the hospital. René pretends to have food poisoning so that he can get into the hospital as part of a plan to recue Monsieur Alphonse.
René escapes from the hospital and makes his way back to the café. Herr Flick sends Von Smallhausen undercover to the hospital mortuary to look for the Gestapo money. Meanwhile Helga has discovered that the money is forged. It's stuffed down Captain Bertorelli's trousers so that he can take it back to the café. Michelle reveals a new plan for the British airmen to escape in giant landmines, which will be dropped over England.
Leclerc Against the Wall
Herr Flick plans to have Monsieur Le Clerc executed unless the Gestapo money is returned. Unfortunately, the money was hidden in the oven at the café until Fanny decided to do some cooking. Rene tries to get London to send some more forged money, but there's a cockup and the money from the British plane ends up falling all over Nouvion.
The explosive from the landmines is delivered to the Café René, disguised as 500 Christmas puddings. The airmen are busy practising unscrewing the covers of the landmines from inside, so they'll be able to escape and use their parachutes before the landmines hit the ground. Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen disguise themselves as monks and hide in a church bell tower so that they can keep the café under observation.
Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen are hiding inside the landmines. The Germans recover the mines, take them back to the airbase. Later they're loaded into a plane and dropped over England, with Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen still inside.
The latest escape plan for the British airmen involves them sitting astride a midget submarine wearing diving helmets. René plans to elope with Yvette and the paintings. Before he can leave, Helga arrives and forces him to go with her to the chateau. Colonel Von Strohm insists on taking the paintings from René. Herr Flick discovers that General Von Klinkerhoffen has sold the paintings for a fortune in gold bars. The gold is stored in the safe at the police station. René steals it. He leaves notes for Edith and Yvette with Monsieur Le Clerc, who mixes them up.
The Geneva Express
The Résistance blows up the train using some of the exploding Christmas puddings. Everyone makes their way back to Nouvion. René still has General Von Klinkerhoffen's gold. The General doesn't know it's missing because Officer Crabtree has gummed up the lock on the safe. Lieutenant Gruber is ordered to collect the safe in his 'little tank' and take it to the General's chateau. The General has also taken the statue containing the real paintings from the Colonel Von Strohm's office. René tries to blow open the safe using one of the exploding Christmas Puddings. He manages to blow up Gruber's 'little tank', along with Captain Bertorelli.
General von Klinkerhoffen has recovered most of his gold from Gruber's tank. René still has four bars, which he melts down and makes into a new weight for the cuckoo clock in the café. Colonel Von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber offer Rene a deal - they won't look for the missing gold if René recovers their statue from the General's chateau. The Excelsior Quartet, a group of musicians hired to play at the chateau, are detained so that René and company can take their place. They manage to recover the contents of the statue.
Renewing the Vows
Edith announces that she'll marry Monsieur Alphonse unless René agrees to remarry her. Afraid of losing the café, René reluctantly agrees. Monsieur Alphonse, as Deputy Mayor, will have to perform the ceremony. René returns the paintings to Colonel Von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber. The wedding ceremony is held, but Monsieur Alphonse has problems officiating. Captain Bertorelli brings along a surprise to the ceremony - Christmas puddings.
The Big Flush
The Enigma machine is to be smuggled to England in the midget submarine. René is told to put the machine into a wine barrel and drop it into the sewer. At a certain time, everyone in Nouvion will flush their toilet and the resulting surge of water will send the wine barrel along the sewer to the submarine. The British lay on an air raid as a diversion, but they manage to bomb the pumping station by mistake, so there's no water to flush the toilets with. It's discovered that Monsieur Le Clerc has put the wrong box in the wine barrel. The Enigma machine is still hidden in the café.
British Intelligence sends experts, disguised as policemen, to examine the Enigma machine. General Von Klinkerhoffen announces that René will be shot if the machine isn't handed back to the Germans. Herr Flick arrests Edith, Yvette, and Mimi and uses a truth serum on them. This makes Mimi act rather strangely.
Desperate Doings in the Graveyard
The latest escape plan for the British airmen involves them wading along the canal underneath a tin bath. Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen pose as escaped British airmen, hoping to be picked up by the Résistance. The Résistance have built a communication post in René's 'grave', in an effort to get around German jamming of their radio signals. René, Edith and Monsieur Alphonse try it out. Rene gets caught on the aerial and is hoisted above his 'grave'. Lieutenant Gruber sees him and thinks it's the ghost of René's 'twin brother'.
The Gestapo for the High Jump
Lieutenant Gruber warns René about a Getsapo plan to pose as British airmen. Meanwhile, General Von Klinkerhoffen has decided to adopt a similar plan and orders some of Captain Bertorelli's men to be dropped from a plane dressed as British airmen. The Italians are dropped by parachute. They wander off and get lost. René and the women from the cafe disguise themselves as characters from horror films so that Herr Flick can't recognise them when he and von Smallhausen are brought to the "secret Résistance headquarters".
The Nouvion Oars
Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen, disguised as British airmen, are arrested by the Germans.Meanwhile, the real British airmen make their way along the canal. They've been told to look out for a goose with flashing eyes and smoke coming out of its tail. René and his staff row out to the estuary to make sure the British airmen get picked up by a waiting British submarine. The Germans have also rowed out to the estuary. The airmen get lost and the submarine leaves without them.
The Nicked Airmen
After the plan with the submarine went awry, the British airmen have been captured by the Germans and have been locked in a cell in the château. They'll be transported to Berlin the next day. Gruber gives René the keys to the château and the cell to rescue the airmen because his name could be dropped if the airmen start talking while interrogated. Michelle thinks up a plan involving coffins to rescue the airmen and Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen also think up a plan, involving disguising themselves, to get their hands on the airmen.
The Airmen De-Nicked
Flick and Von Smallhausen are interrogated by the general for impersonating army officers but released on the orders of Himmler - thanks to Helga. A party of intelligence officers are visiting and the Resistance plan to hi-jack their car,steal their uniforms and that way infiltrate the chateau to get the airmen out. Rene and Edith are the reluctant 'intelligence officers' but the plan works fairly well until the couple find themselves handcuffed to the airmen whilst the key to unlock them is in Berlin.
The Crooked Fences
René, Mimi and the two British airmen are still handcuffed together. They make their way to the police station, hoping that Officer Crabtree can free them. The Germans want to sell the painting of the 'Fallen Madonna'. They order René to find them a fence. A meeting is held, with Monsieur Alphonse posing as the fence and everyone else wearing paper bags on their heads. The painting is exchanged for the gold weight from the cuckoo clock. Later, the Germans decide that they'd rather have cash, so René arranges for the gold to be exchanged for forged currency. The swap is made in the church, in the confessional booth. There's a cockup and the Germans inadvertantly pass the gold on to the priest.
Crabtree's Podgeon Pist
General Von Klinkerhoffen threatens to blow up Nouvion if the airmen aren't handed over. Fanny and Monsieur Le Clerc are getting married. Michelle reveals a new plan to send the airmen back to England. A barrage balloon and tanks of helium will be hidden in the marquee set up behind the cafe for the wedding.
Rising to the Occasion
One of the bombs which General Von Klinkerhoffen plans to use to blow up the town is hidden in the sewer under the café. Colonel Von Strohm, Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen are trapped by the Communist Résistance and tied to the bomb. General Von Klinkerhoffen is declared to be mad and is locked up in the 'fruitcake ward' at the military hospital. General Von Flockenstuffen takes command of the district. Fanny and Monsieur Le Clerc are at their wedding reception, in bed because they're both exhausted. The helium balloon for the airmen's escape is tied to the bed. It takes off into the air, carrying the bed with it.
A Quiet Honeymoon
Leclerc and Fanny are brought down in the town square after the helium runs out, where they are then arrested and sent to prison. Edith manages to forge her own papers to release Fanny and Leclerc just as Von Smallhausen has himself arrested to interrogate the couple about the British airmen. Ultimately, the forged papers are discovered, and the newlyweds hide back at the café. Unfortunately, their spring-loaded Murphy bed has now pinned them behind the wall.
An Almighty Bang
Monsieur Alphonse, who made the Murphy bed, arrives to pry the couple out while Mimi tries to feed them soup through a hole using a bellows. Meanwhile, Von Flockenstuffen reveals his plans to kidnap Churchill, pulling rank on the recovering Von Klinkerhoffen. Herr Flick has Von Smallhausen sprung from prison and the pair arrive just as the dynamite goes off in their faces and frees the newlyweds. That night, as Von Flockenstuffen is being entertained in the café, Helga and Bertorelli spring Von Klinkerhoffen. Von Flockenstuffen demands to visit the cellar, taking with him one of the dynamite candles. Von Klinkerhoffen arrives to relieve him just as the candle goes off.
René is to be given a collaboration medal for his help with the removal of Von Flockenstuffen. Unfortunately, this causes the Communist résistance to place a price on his head. He decides once again to elope with Yvette. Michelle orders René to take the Airmen to the monastery to be picked up by a lightweight plane. Flick also learns of this news, and he and Von Smallhausen have themselves initiated into the brotherhood to gather information and capture the Airmen. Unfortunately, René ends up grabbing Edith's hand instead of Yvette's, as the two are rushed aboard the plane bound for England.
Up the Crick Without a Piddle
René and an airsick Edith land in England where British Intelligence tries to find out why they aren't the Airmen. An officer from Deep Intelligence is brought in, and he turns out to be none other than Hans Geering. In the intervening time, Hans has become a British citizen with his knowledge of the Nazi army. At No.10 Downing Street, Churchill desires to meet René and Edith, who he awards medals and citations. However, Edith decides to return home after discovering that Fanny and Leclerc are ruining the bar. They are flown over Nouvion, the bomb door opens and the two of them are dropped out of the plane. Arriving back at the café just before they are to be arrested for being out past curfew.
The Gestapo Ruins a Picnic
The airmen are smuggled out of the monastery in sacks of potatoes. Michelle comes up with a new escape plan which involves building a raft out of telegraph poles. General Von Klinkerhoffen decides to restart the local newspaper. Rene and Monsieur Alphonse are ordered to organise it.
The Spirit of Nouvion
The Germans have found out about the telegraph pole escape plan, so the Resistance plan to use wine barrels instead. Michelle decides to steal the painting of the 'Fallen Maddona' from Herr Flick so that it can be sold to raise funds for the Resistance. René and company tunnel into Herr Flick's office just as Colonel Von Strohm, Lieutenant Gruber and Captain Bertorelli break in. René gets covered in flour and Gruber thinks he's being haunted by Rene's dead 'twin brother' again. The Germans run away and René steals the painting.
Leg it to Spain!
The barrels which are to be used in the latest escape plan are hidden in the cellar of the Café René. René has to give the painting of the 'Fallen Madonna' to Colonel Vom Strohm. The painting then falls into the hands of General Von Klinkerhoffen. The General decides to have his photograph taken at the café so that it can be published in the newspaper. He asks to see the wine cellar. When he finds two large wine barrels, he orders them to be taken to his chateau. The airmen are hiding inside the barrels.
General Von Klinkerhoffen thinks that a mixed marriage between a Frenchwoman and someone from the occupying forces would provide a good propaganda piece for the newspaper. He decides that Captain Bertorelli should marry Edith. A party is arranged at the chateau so that local dignitaries can meet the 'happy couple'. The Résistance rescues the airmen from the chateau via an underground river. The airmen end up stuck in a sewer underneath the town centre.
Soup and Sausage
t's decided to use René's old ice cream truck to rescue the airmen from the sewer. The truck is parked over the sewer grate and Monsieur Alhonse hides underneath so that he can prise off the grate using a chisel. General Von Klinkerhoffen decides to buy some ice cream but ends up covered in it when the winch which is being used to raise the sewer grate causes the pump on the ice cream maker to get stuck full on.
René of the Gypsies
The ice cream truck plan has failed, so Michelle suggests holding a gipsy fair in the town centre. Herr Flick has the painting in General Von Klinkerhoffen's office replaced with a forgery. The General discovers the forgery and has Colonel Von Strohm, Lieutenant Gruber and Captain Bertorelli arrested. René poses as a gipsy fortuneteller in the tent over the sewer grating. A seance is held during which the airmen finally break out of the sewer. Three more airmen emerge from the sewer - apparently they've been lost down there for weeks.
The Résistance want René to set up a mobile radio station. The necessary equipment is dropped by a British plane. Unfortunately, it drops down one of the chimneys of the chateau. Réne and his staff take the place of a flamenco dance group booked to perform at the chateau, so that they can retrieve the radio equipment. Lieutenant Gruber had arranged to deliver a photograph of the painting of the 'Fallen Madonna' to a Spanish art expert who is posing as a member of the real flamenco dance group. Gruber gives the photograph to Monsieur Alphonse, thinking that he's the art expert.
A Woman Never Lies
Michelle now has the photograph of Lieutenant Gruber holding the painting of the 'Fallen Madonna'. She blackmails the Germans, demanding ten million Francs for the return of the photograph. Colonel Von Strohm, Lieutenant Gruber and Helga plan to hijack a German pay truck to get the money to recover the photograph. Herr Flick uses a truth drug on Helga and learns about the planned robbery. He and Von Smallhause decide to rob the truck themselves. They arrive just after the robbery has taken place and are arrested as the culprits.
Hitler's Last Heil
Hitler and Goering are due to visit the area. General Von Klinkerhoffen plans to have them assassinated. It turns out that the two German dignitaries are, in fact, impostors sent to the area as decoys. Helga plans to smuggle dynamite into the prison where Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen are being held. The dynamite ends up on the lunch table and blows up the two fake German dictators. Colonel Von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber are ordered to continue the impersonation of Hitler and Goering. Meanwile, Mimi is planning to assassinate the supposed German leaders.
Awful Wedded Wife
The batteries being used to power the Résistance's mobile radio station need more lead. Monsieur Alphonse, Officer Crabtree, Mimi and Yvette attempt to steal some lead from the church roof. Colonel Von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber are disguised as Hitler and Goering so that they can be seen driving out of the area. They are ambushed and captured by the Communist Résistance.
Michelle organises a meeting with the Communist Résistance to discuss future propaganda. A fight starts over René. Colonel Von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber escape in the confusion and head for the Café René. Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen almost meet their maker in front of a firing squad.
A Fishful of Francs
Colonel Von Strohm stuffs the ten million Francs into a large dogfish and releases it into the river so that the Résistance can retrieve it. Monsieur Alphonse catches the fish instead and sells it to the local fishmonger. Von Smallhausen buys the fish and it's served up to Herr Flick and Helga, who finds the money. Herr Flick offers to return it to Colonel Von Strohm in return for the original painting. General Von Klinkerhoffen has René and Edith dressed up as Hitler and Goering so that they can be used as bait to trap the Communist Résistance.
British troops rescue René and Edith just as they're about to be executed. Fanny and Monsieur Le Clerc, thinking that René and Edith are now dead, take all of the money they can find in the café and head for Paris. General Von Klinkerhoffen now has the compromising photograph of the Lieutenant with the painting, so Colonel Von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber decide to head for Spain with the travelling flamenco troupe. Before leaving, they meet Herr Flick to swap the painting for the ransom money. Herr Flick gives them a bundle of newspaper and they give him the 'missing booby'.
Fighting with Windmills
Colonel Von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber fail to escape to Spain. René suggests that they hide in a local windmill and pretend to have been kidnapped. General Von Klinkerhoffen has ordered the windmill to be used for target practice by the German artillery. René rescues the two German officers and is then captured by the Communist Résistance. Herr Flick has had plastic surgery as part of his plan to escape being captured by the Allies.
A Tour de France (aka Missing and Presumed Dead)
René is now a 'love slave' to the girls of the Communist Résistance. Meanwhile, it's assumed that he was killed when the windmill was blown up. Monsieur Alphonse has been comissioned to make a statue of him for the town square. René escapes from the Communist Résistance and heads for the café disguised as an elk. He's shot by the Germans, who are out on a hunting trip.
René Artois Is Still Dead
Michelle decides to smuggle René to England, since the Germans still think that he's dead. A parade through the town is being held in René's memory. René disguises himself as Officer Crabtree so that he can get to the town museum to hide until he can catch the plane to England. When the planned trip falls through, René decides to give himself up to the Germans. He pretends that he has amnesia caused by the explosion at the windmill.
The Fishmonger Float
Michelle tries to send important microfilm to England via a homing pigeon, but fails. Instead, new plans call for the group to sail to England with the film on a motorized float under the guise of the annual fishmonger's parade. Von Klinkerhoffen tells Gruber and Von Strohm of his plans to assassinate Hitler with an exploding picture frame. Flick and Von Smallhousen kidnap Mimi and Yvette, using their clothes and keys to enter the café to search for the painting.
A Fishy Sendoff
General Von Klinkerhoffen takes Colonel Von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber out to play golf. While they are playing, they discuss the plot to kill Hitler. Herr Flick eavesdrops on part of the conversation using a bugged golf club. Later, he intercepts the exploding picture frame at the station, thinking it's the painting of the 'Fallen Madonna'. René and company reach the coast, where they find that the Allies are landing.
A Winkle in Time
Allied troops are now approaching Nouvion. The two British airmen, who've been shot down again, arrive back at the café. Next day, the Allies finally arrive in the village. Colonel Von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber disguise themselves as Britsh airmen but are arrested. Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen try to escape in a midget submarine but are also captured. René is given a medal by the Allies. The scene shifts to the 'present'. Gruber, now a rich international art dealer, pays a visit to the café accompanied by Helga. The missing painting of the 'Fallen Madonna' finally comes to light when an arm is accidentally broken off the statue of René outside the café. While everyone is arguing over the painting, René makes yet another attempt to elope with Yvette.